Tea Kettle P.S.

So, my husband went to return the infamous tea kettle that he got me for Christmas. His conversation went something like this:
"I want to return this tea kettle."
"Sure, is there anything wrong with it?"
"Well, it doesn't whistle."
"Okay - (typing and talking) d - a - m - a - g - e - d."
"No, no, it's not damaged, it just doesn't whistle."
"Okay - (typing and talking) whistle broken."
"No, no, it's not broken, it just doesn't have a whistle."
"Okay - (typing and talking) defective."
"No, no, it's not defective, it's not suppose to have a whistle."
"Okay - (stumped) what do I type in this box that asks me why you're returning it?"
"Is there room for - husband is an idiot?"
"Okay - (typing and talking) d - a - m - a - g - e - d."
"Whatever."

Barley:

- spilled hot tea on my computer

- spilled the plumber's coffee and lapped it up and then ran around in circles for about 1/2 hour

- chewed and destroyed a chair

- put his paw in the pizza

- ate a precious picture of a friend of mine who went to Jamaica and hand delivered cards and gifts made by my children to a home for deaf children - the picture showed my friend handing a picture of my girls to this child we sponsored until her graduation. Irreplaceable.

- bit me in the thigh as I was stepping over the gate we use to keep him in the kitchen, which caused me to throw my plate of toast and opened water bottle down the hall

- ate a whole box of tissues that I keep in the car (yeah, I was wondering why he was so quiet while I was driving)

- ate a granola bar, a guitar pick, a magnet, a candle

- was found chewing on a sneaker - to this day we have not figured out whose sneaker it was or where the other one is

- knocked out our Internet service for 2 days

So, when the puppy club called to see if we were bringing Barley to the nursing home - yeah, we said, "No."

Listen Up Ladies

Not that I speak from experience, just a random thought that went a little wild . . .

Here is the same advice given to you in different voices:

Confucian style:
Wife who drives husband crazy must live with insane man.

Joyce Meyer style:
Listen up ladies! Come on now! If you don't want to live in a nut house, then don't drive your husbands crazy!! Can I get an Amen.

Erma Bombeck style:
Stop the insanity! Leave your husband alone.

Martha Stewart style:
Please don't drive your husband crazy because then you'll have to add a room to your home to keep him. First, you'll need some 2 x 4's and sheet rock. Just frame out the room like I did here. Don't worry about painting or papering the walls because you'll be tacking up mattresses. If you go to K-Mart you can pick up my collection of "Soothing Sheets". You need some strong glue. I just happen to have some glue I made from an old mare of mine that died. Glue down the furniture. For his drab straight jacket you can perk it up with some pearl buttons, I just happen to have a few I made from fresh water pearls that I harvested in my back yard. Use satin ribbon for the arm wrap around and be sure to tie it securely around the back. Finish it off with a beautiful bow.

King Solomon style:
It is better to stay outside on the roof of your house than to live inside with a nagging wife. Proverbs 21:9 CEV

My style:
It is easier to set up a sturdy ladder to the corner of the roof than to expect to be sane during peri-menopause......................

The Basketball Game

It's always interesting to see myself through the eyes of others. That being said, I will post a letter my daughter wrote, in my voice, to the Tech school where my son plays basketball. This was the situation: I went to his game to sit in the stands behind the players, to cheer his team on, to shout words of encouragement when they missed a shot and words of praise when they made one. I even wore the school colors to show my school spirit. I was as excited as any proud mama would be to see her freshman son play for a few minutes on the Varsity team . . . . I sat with the other fans in the crowded stands, grinning from ear to ear, with my camera in hand, ready to snap a shot of my son . . . oh, the anticipation, oh, the excitement, oh, the . . . vulgar language, the cursing, the rudeness, the feigned coughing and sneezing while the other team attempted foul shots, the shock to my senses. . .

Dear Tech,
I am a psychopathic conservative Christian mother who is delusional enough to think my voice can make a difference. The fans at your games are obnoxious and foul-mouthed. I have not yet realized that the majority of the teen population has degenerated into vulgar perverts, which is why I was shocked. I felt that I needed someone to blame for this behavior so I chose the administration and would like you to fix it, even though you have no more control over the students than their parents. Have a pleasant day.

My actual letter appealed to the school's desire to present itself as a class above the rest and included the following statement:

I would love to see Tech fans express their enthusiasm and support for their sports team in a manner more befitting a high school of this standard.

fast forward to next game. . .
. . . Mr. K. was in the stands making sure you could hear a pin drop while the other team was shooting foul shots and when the ref made a bad call no one yelled expletives. Thus, proving to my daughter that one voice can make a difference. Of course, now only 3 fans come to the games ...............................

Recycle This

So, I'm walking down the street in my neighborhood on recycling day with Bart, who I affectionately call Barley (Marley with a B). I love walking on recycling day. I get to peek at my neighbors eating habits. The Italian folks have huge tin cans of olive oil in their recycling bin, you know the kind I mean, the ones with all the art on the can - olive groves and ladies in flowing white dresses- do they bathe in it? How do you consume so much olive oil? They also had cans of tomatoes; crushed, chopped, pureed, sauce and paste, and cans of olives, too. They also had an empty quart-size container of basil, some diet soda cans, a mayonnaise jar and that's all I could see because Barley was walking too fast. Then there are the chubby neighbors - they put out one small bin with yogurt containers and diet soda - I figure they must eat out a lot. Then there is the house with the 2 college students and busy parents, their cans (3 to be exact) were loaded with beer bottles, Mountain Dew bottles, a Maxwell House coffee can and Dinty Moore Stew cans (I didn't know they still made that stuff). Then my next door neighbor, sure enough, has empty laundry detergent bottles, just like every week - they must be the cleanest folks on the block. Our new neighbor, Chucky we call him, who never speaks to anyone, never spends time outside, always wears black pants and dark glasses and we can't tell how old he is - guesses range in age from 25 to 55, hmmmmm, what's he got in his recycling bin . . . . we'll never know, he puts a lid on it................................

For those of you who are curious, the peri-menopausal lady with 3 teenagers and a chocoholic husband, had 2 cans filled with peanut butter jars, marshmallow fluff containers, Hershey's syrup bottles, water bottles, jelly jars, a can of pink beans and black beans, salsa jars and diet soda bottles. You can tell a lot about a person from their garbage, that's why we keep a lid on ours, too......................

You Wiener!

So, I have this friend. She's not elegant or savvy. She's not concerned with some of the same things you think of woman being concerned about. She doesn't dye her hair or wear jewelry. Her eye glass frames are from the 90's and her coat from the 80's and her husband from the 70's. She rescues cats and dogs and rodents and birds and bats. She hasn't been familiar with a musician since Frank Sinatra and she still watches Wheel Of Fortune. She does, however, follow politics and remembers every one's birthday and never fails to make you smile. And she almost never lies. She's honest as the day is long. If she tells you something, you can take it to the bank (how does one measure honesty in hours and why would you want to take a truth to the bank? Why not the church? Or the cleaners for that matter?) So, I had a conversation with my friend the other day and we got to talking about weight. She said, "Oh, what are you worried about?" I told her I felt like a sausage, too much meat inside the casing, busting out at the ends. She said, "Ah, you're not a sausage, you're a wiener!" Never in my life have I been so happy to have someone call me a wiener. You're a real pal and just a wiener yourself...............

Academy of Love

So, for the past 4 years I have been asked to speak at the local college about homeschooling. The class I am speaking to is made up of the folks who are currently in or wish to be in leadership positions in the community. The day long class is to educate these folks in the educational system in our community. Last year, the line up of speakers was as follows: Head Master at **** Academy, The Superintendent of the Regional High School, the NJ Commissioner of Education, The Dean of the Community College, The Superintendent of the Elementary Schools and me. I feel wholly inadequate to speak. Each year I am convinced that I will not be asked to return and each year I am asked to speak again. So, when Mr. Gully called me and asked me to speak this year, I said, "Are you sure you want me?" He said, "Yes, please come at 1:00." I asked, "Am I giving the right kind of information?" He paused and then said with sincerity, "I like your speech best." I was wholly surprised and asked why. And he said, "Simply because I like the way you talk about your children. You really love them." Well. . . . I guess I do............

Resolutions

So, the folks that know me, know I like alliterations for my New Year's resolutions. Balance and boundaries; healing and harmony; sweet and simple . . . . so, this year I said to my daughter, "I'm not going to do an alliteration for my New Year's resolution. Instead I want to do . . . uh, wait, what do you call it when the end of the words sound the same?"


"Rhyming, duh."


"Thanks Smartypants. But, all I can come up with is "sharing and caring" or "lying and dying" and that's just no good."


"You've got issues, Mom. Keep working on it."



Maybe that's the key to my resolution "issue" this year, just keep working on it. If I learned anything this year, it was that I have a lot to learn. Just when I thought I could keep quiet no longer and went against my top resolution for 2008 (listen more, talk less) and said all I wanted to say (plus some) I realized that I would have been better off if I had said less. It's hard to listen when you're talking (ranting). So, I will keep working on it. I think I'll keep my resolutions from last year and

maybe add a few,

for me and you,

and go to the zoo,

to see a ewe,

and a bird or two

And I need a tissue,

because

I've got a rhyme issue...........................

Resolved

I just can't come up with a New Year's resolution. No matter how hard I try or how much I think about it, I can't come up with anything. I resolve to . . . um . . . er . . . humpf . . . .

Hmmmmmmmmm. . . . .I must be perfect. . . . . .

10 minutes later. . . .

Okay, so I came up with one:

Practice humility.

Happy New Year All (all both of you that read my blog).

Menopause Much?

Conversation with the husband:
"I made hotel reservations," he said.
"Why?"
"So we could get away together, to be alone without the kids."
"But, I like the kids."
"Don't you like me?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because you got me a tea kettle that doesn't whistle."
"I didn't know it didn't whistle."
"Did you think to look?"
"No, but why does it have to whistle?"
"Because, I forget I put water on and if it doesn't whistle I may burn the house down."
"So, you won't go away with me because the tea kettle doesn't whistle?"
"No . . . .well, yes."
"But the hotel has a hot tub."
"You wouldn't catch me dead in a bathing suit right now. In fact, if I die, shred my bathing suit lest someone find it and think it's a hot air balloon."
"So, you don't want to go away with me because you don't want to put on your bathing suit?"
"No . . . well, yes."
"Should I cancel the reservations?"
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. YES!!"
"Are those hormones I see shooting out of your ears?"
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.................."

Christmas Day Quotes

Son to mother - "The camera only holds a charge for about 10 minutes."
Mother to son - "That's okay, because it'll only take you 1 minute to open your one present."
Son - "Ha, ha, ha. Wait, you're kidding, right?"

"Thanks! Wait, what is it?"
"Stop filming me and help me get this glass ornament out of Bart's mouth!"
"You mean, they're not Broadway tickets?"
"No, really, I've always wanted a . . . . . wait, what is it?"
"I think it's a cat toy."
"Can someone hold the tree while I get the dog untangled from the lights?"
"HE'S EATING IT!"
"So, what, exactly, about me screams out rhinestones??"

Daughter to mother - "How did you know I wanted this??!!"
Mother to daughter - "You wrote it down on a list and emailed it to me . . . . . twice."
Daughter - "You're brilliant."
Mother - "I know."

And finally, "Boy, am I glad that's done!"

7 Pounds

I'm not talking about the movie, though I do want to see it. I'm talking about 7 pounds of butter. You see, I was at Shop Rite (which we affectionately call Hop Rite because the lights in the S are never working) and I needed to buy butter for a Christmas recipe. I went over and pondered the different butters - salted, unsalted, name brand, store brand, organic, not organic. . . I guess it doesn't really matter because that 7 pounds I wanted to lose by Christmas (er. . . New Year's) would not disappear eating recipes of the sorts I was planning on making. I looked at that butter and stacked 7 one pound boxes on top of each other. I looked some more and put them in a circle. I looked some more, thinking to myself it is no wonder I can't zip up my jeans with 7 pounds of butter (28 sticks to be exact) floating around my middle, rear and hips. I put 2 stacks of 3 and one balanced on top and was still pondering when a woman came over and asked if she could take one. I replied,"Sure, it'll look better on you than on me." To which she replied, "I beg your pardon?" To which I replied, "You see, those 7 boxes of butter represent the 7 pounds I wanted to lose by Christmas...er...New Year's, so, go ahead and take the butter, I'm skipping this recipe." I felt good as I stood there looking at these 6 boxes, feeling a sort of victory over them. The woman who had taken the top box was gone, but then she came back. She put the butter back on it's spot on top of the 6 others and said, "Actually, it would look better on you. Merry Christmas." Now what do you suppose she meant by that???

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Ice Packs

After my daughter's surgery, her sweet little face wasn't so little anymore. Her face swelled up from the removal of her wisdom teeth. So, I made her some ice packs out of old tube socks. They say, "Happy Socks" "For Unhappy Sockets" My daughter was very amused, but then again, the pain meds make everything amusing....................

On Wisdom Teeth

My daughter had her wisdom teeth removed yesterday. I have many friends who have had children's wisdom teeth removed and they assured me there was nothing to worry about. But, you see, this is my daughter, my first born, my child who was having their wisdom teeth removed. It's different when it's your child. I think I handled it well . . . . well, except for maybe the part when the nurse asked my daughter if she were on birth control and I jumped in and told her my daughter is "not that kind of girl!" And maybe when she asked if she drank alcohol, I may have been a little quick to answer (my daughter calmly looked up at me and said, "Mom, I can answer my own questions." Ouch) It wasn't until the doctor came to take my daughter away that I was a tad bit overboard. It happened all so fast, the nurse and the doctor wanting to take my daughter and drug her up and cut her up, sawing away a part of my precious daughter's body . . . .

"Take my wisdom teeth Dr. B, please, if you must have wisdom teeth, take mine, just don't hurt my baby!"
"Mrs. L", Dr. B said calmly, "you don't have any wisdom teeth."
"Take my molars, then," I shouted. . . .

. . . we both did well, after all is said and done. But next time one of my children need surgery, Dad is going to take them.

Be Ever So Blessed

What we learned in the year 2008:

A puppy, a Pop-Pop and wrapping paper cannot co-exist.
"No-Fail Fudge" isn't.
14 year old boys and puppies act very much alike.
After 22 years in the same house, the husband can always find the hidden chocolate, but not the milk.
Puppy gates and stockings cannot co-exist.
Never take Pop-Pop too far from a bathroom.
Egg babies crack under pressure.

What God taught us:

Family vacations are essential, no matter what age your children are.
"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

Finally:

We wish all of you a joyous Christmas, filled with traditions, new and old. May God touch your life in a very special way as you join others in worship and friendship in celebration of Jesus' birth. Be at peace and be ever so blessed.

So, everybody get a bottle of . . . this stuff

Does Christmas shopping leave you feeling tired? Try some I Love Lucy!

Pregnant Goats and Christmas

Some years back my husband and I decided we wanted to simplify Christmas. With encouragement from a friend, we sent a letter to family members stating we no longer wanted to exchange gifts, but instead we would make a donation to a special cause in their names. The first year we bought a pregnant goat in the name of our family members (now, how many people can say that!). It was our desire to give our children the gift of giving. Telling them that they were going to give a family in a poor community a pregnant goat was exciting. We didn't know what to expect. Would they whine about the lost gifts? Would they miss the opening of presents? Would they feel deprived? No way!! They embraced the idea whole-heartedly!! They even carried the idea over to their birthdays and collected donations for various organizations instead of receiving gifts. All three of our children are happy givers, never once feeling deprived. In fact, they feel privileged, blessed and rich in their souls.

May you all be blessed this Christmas season!

Egg-zactly

My 16 year old has a project for health. Egg babies. Ridiculous, I know, but it's for a grade. And just her luck, she had twins. She's being a sport about it. She named them Rodgers and Hammerstein. And being the diverse person that she is, she selected pretty brown eggs. One had a small crack in it, which happened while hard boiling them, and she told her teacher it was born with a birth defect. She sealed the crack with glue - performing delicate brain surgery she said- to save her baby's life. You have to love those smiley faces and googly eyes on them. She told her teacher that she preferred to have them in day care because she felt high school was not an appropriate place for little babies - he said, "No." She suggested the possibility of homeschooling them - he said, "No." She said she had a babysitter for them - he said, "No." She said he was making them cry - he said, "Sit down." She said, "Okay." She told her friends at lunch that they were sleeping and to leave them alone - they said, "They don't look like they're sleeping." She said, "Shut-up."

My daughter is a good egg and she cracks me up . . . . sorry, I couldn't resist . . . .

Love Ya

My poor husband. He gets very little mention in my blog. It's not because of any lacking on his part. He's this great guy and I love him to pieces (what exactly does that mean, to love someone to pieces??). It's just that he's so low maintenance. Don't get me wrong, any relationship worth it's salt (what exactly does that mean, worth it's salt??) takes work. We just work really well together and love doing it - it doesn't necessarily feel like work. In fact, it's fun going through life with him. He's funny, he's intelligent, he loves my cooking (key point), he's an amazing father, he's generous and he's low maintenance (did I mention that twice??). Every December he announces to the family, "Don't get me anything for Christmas. I don't need anything. I've got all I need." And the funny thing is, is that he's the one who is the most deserving of Christmas gifts. We were in Wal-Mart once and he was cracking corny jokes and the lady behind the register said, "You're husband is funny. I bet he's fun to live with." At the time I was somewhat frazzled and responded something like, "Oh, yeah, he's a laugh riot. We just sit around all day laughing - ha-ha-ha. . . . ." But, truth be told, he does make me laugh and I love to laugh. So, here's a shout out to my husband . . . I love ya!

Who Are You?

"I don’t care what people think. I don’t care if I fit in. I care about who I am. If I do something wrong and not a single person finds out, it’s still a part of who I am. I believe that it is a challenge to be the same person in the privacy of your heart as you are in the light of the world."

Wow! My 16 year old daughter wrote that. She is the most authentic person I know. She challenges me to be real. So, I'm in my kitchen, cooking, as I do much of the time, in silence (I never have a TV on, seldom do I listen to the radio, once in a while I'll listen to an Ella Fitzgerald or a Third Day CD,) I'm thinking about what she said . . . who am I in the privacy of my heart (or kitchen) . . . sadly, in the privacy of my kitchen, when no one is here, I am Rachel Ray. Yes, folks, I talk to an unseen audience, giving them my secret cooking tips. . . . . . .

For real, if I'm really being honest (thanks K for teaching the honesty lesson in Bible study) I am a mother who is hopelessly proud of her children. In the light of the world and in the privacy of my heart I am the mother of children who drive me crazy, but whom I love dearly.